take care!

jf is back at canada now. take care and have fun!!! rmb to take lots of photos of mayday and send pee, liting and my love to them. =) one sem will soon be over and we shall have fun again.

one of those nights

tonight is just one of those nights that i dont feel like doing anything except blogging. enjoying my late night playlist, not thinking about anything.

i dont blame others for calling me a workaholic. it is just a name. i dont really care. i understand that life is all about choices. i choose to be part of this project and i should at least try to put in my best for it. i made this decision so i shall pay the price. i dont know how my outside friends view it, but i will hate myself for not putting in enough effort. i choose to be that busy, heavily involved in this project. just bear with me for a few more days and hoepfully, i will be back to being a normal student.

the deadline i once said was end of june, and then july and now, it is finally august and why am i still doing the same thing i did a few months ago? every time i go in, i asked myself the same question over and over again. it is for the sake of money i am not being a materialistic girl here. i am just trying to be independent here, to earn what i spend. up to this age, i cannot see myself begging my parents for money. just substitute my job with tuition and wont i be like normal?

everything only seems to be over after thursday. i need courage to push on till the end of the month. how i wish she was still lying next to me.

sorry, i am too busy

up to today, i still hate the phrase "sorry, i am too busy". that is an extremely clever way to push all responsibilities to others while you have time to do your stuff. get a life!!! do you think everyone except yourself is damn free? it does not show that you are important in all your stuff. it reflects badly on you because you canNOT manage your time at all.

the amount of time each and every one of us have are the same. i dont understand why others can arrange their schedules and make time off but some just cannot do that. there is no such thing as no time. the time is fixed and so you just have to play around with it. you will be able to squeeze time out of your schedule with better planning.

why am i whining here again? maybe i am just looking at things on the surface, which is wrong, bad and horrible. i need to learn not to pass judgement quickly. get to understand the situation first. by then, it wont be too late to make my judgements right?

the world is lying

dont u try hate it when everything is just an illusion? nothing is real. you start to question the people around you. were they showing their true and sincere emotions back then? what if everything has been a lie all along?

why are dramas forever painting the beautiful pictures? the good always has the final laugh. the evil will bleed, suffer and die. nobody cares. all they want is a perfect happy ending that pleases everyone. why? i thought dramas are supposed to be a close reflection of what happens in real life to capture the hearts of the audience.

fake. everything is a lie. reality does not happen in the same way as how the dramas are scripted. i hate it when the bright side wins because i know it does not happen to me. why must reality have a tragic ending before it captures others' attention? it must make people cry their hearts' out before it is satisified. why?

illusion is perfect and reality is harsh. wth!

braces

death will creep in at 11 o'clock sharp tomorrow. i shant not complain and whine about it because it is something that i want to do. i made the decision myself and so no whining is allowed. meanwhile, i shall just enjoy the peaceful and quiet last night i have before pain is my new found pain.

many events happening

i had been dreading the camp for a long time because i dont understand the point of me being not at home for 5 days. i just DONT see the point. i had been whining to friends about it. it was just so ARGH!

and so now, the camp is finally over. from the freshies' point of view, i will grade the camp as a good one, excluding the friction within the main committee. i am not in the position to judge if it is an enjoyable one because for the entire camp, i was heavily and actively involved in fright night and being a helper for SP night. other than that, i was just doing shitty jobs, helping others to cover their asses. damn!

the only best part is knowing that our fright night was a great improvement from the dry run and many said it was a success. seriously, the 3 of us (yihan, minghui, i) deserves a pat and not forgetting our SP committee (junrong, dabai, ben) and the other helpers. i really did not know scaring people could be so much fun.

one event down, one more to go. cannot say much about the upcoming event because no details are confirmed yet. i feel the need to have someone to push us to work hard and long hours from next week onwards. push me, give me deadlines or else i will be bored at home, just like the rest.

sticky situation

dont you want to pretend nothing had happened when faced with a sticky situation? it's natural human reaction. something that differentiates humans from animals but sadly, why are you not using it logically? of all the available options, why choose the worst of the batch? run away, hide and secretly wish that everything will be back to its previous state. stop being a naive coward! face the consequences. you know very well that every single move you make now will not only affect you alone. stop doing things just for the kick. start to spare a thought for the people around you.

and you! stop using it too well. stop trying to shift/push/deny all responsibilities. what is the point of drawing such a clear line when everyone is working towards a common goal? you are only working towards destruction if you refuse to blur that line. if you think that all is about you doing your own job well, leave me alone! i dont hang out with a team destructor. stop whining because you are doing just a little bit more than what you used to do. overlaps are bound to happen. if not, the world will be free from troubles. problems are clearly defined and distinctive. everything has a fixed solution and standard outcome. what is there to worry about when things are crystal clear?

i should be able to go back to sleep when things start to move. i am currently in this sick state of mind. it is freaking early morning at 3am now and i am still not going to sleep. my mind is on standby but my legs refuse to move an inch. and soon when my energy is completely burnt out, i will be sick. rain, sun, hot and cold. stop giving me awkward combinations of temperature before my body decides to go on a riot. the changes that are happening around me is sometimes too overwhelming for my body frame. i can sense the changes slowly affecting my mood everyday, and slowly my temper will get worse and finally i will erupt like a volcano. i want to have a day or two to sit back, look at things again and have a long chat over a drink.

ultra tiring

i have not felt this way for a long time. my bones are going to break with the slightest push. ULTRA SUPER DUPER tired! rushing like a red bull at work place, hopefully to finish my work before i leave. i cant stand looking at the mountain of documents piling up continuously in the cupboard, waiting for my attention. it scares the hell of me, as if my work is an on-going affair. it NEVER ends!!! for dry run, it was good considering the limited time we had and being our FIRST. definitely there is many rooms for improvement. i am just thankful to everyone who was there to make it a smooth sailing dry run, and most importantly their honest feedbacks. they may hurt but they are helpful. sometimes, i rather face the harsh truth than a beautiful mask.

besides all the rushings, i have confirmed something about me. i am having a love-hate relationship with it. it is good because things will move and hopefully be done but i may piss the people around me in the process. i am unsure if it is something good or bad about me. for one thing i am sure of is it is in me. i try to change it, and i meant it but it just comes back naturally. i will feel uncomfortable all over my body when things are slow or undone. it makes me want to push the person in front of me. and so the cycle begins. luckily, i have friends who truly understand me and decide to leave me alone. if not, i guess things will most likely turn ugly.

my body is telling me to jump onto my bed with my wet hair and leave all matters till tomorrow. on the other hand, my brain is persuading me to stay up a little longer to settle matters that are running in my head now. i need to write them down. i need to start to think. and finally, let the work begin! push on!!!

bdays!!

recently, kns had a long over due bday celebrations for pee and eve. the place rocks as usual but definitely not the price. we were ALL puzzled when we saw the receipt. what the hell did we eat and drink? drinks were lousy, sitting area sucks because we were too near to the band but the thin crusted pizza rocks! i shall try to finish one on my own the next time. yeah!!!


bday girls!!!


oh where oh where has our lydia gone to?


proclaimed alcoholics


best shot =)

FAT, we all want the other photos!!!!!!

disgusted

sometimes we just want someone who is willing to protect us at any costs. keep us away from danger, even to the extent of deceiving us. living each day in lies, putting on a front. suffering and enduring the pain all by themselves and not let us in an inch to share their burdens. all they hope for is to see us everyday in their lives.

why are there people out there who are so selfless? they always spare a thought for others but never themselves. i become pale in comparsion. the things i have been doing all these years evolve around me. personal achievement, my own time, my leisure, my social life! i have never shared a single part of me with them. i am like a lone ranger living in my own world.

i claim i did all these are for them. is that just an excuse for what i have done? how noble i am in front of others! i feel like shit, trying to fill up the hole in my heart. painting a picture but it never turns out to be perfect. does that make me feel better?

i am just disgusted by myself.

limitations

before i blog about what i want to say, i am damn angry now!!! i cant play ep 9 of pb season 2. yaya, i have completed the entire season but i am still pissed. i cant play it after i lend it to someone. damn it!!! did she ill treat it while i was away? arghhh!!!

working has been rather slack except when i am throw with multiple small tasks to do. based on what i know of myself, i will want to finish them asap. although i tell frens that "sorry, i was busy just now", it is just me wanting to finish it fast. i am about to end my current job in about one month's time but somehow i feel that there are much more things i want to do before the school starts.

making a list in my head, i realized cash is an obstacle. save up! that is what i always tell myself but seriously, how much and how long can i save up to get there? be practical girl!!!

no matter how unreasonable and conservative my parents can be at times, i still love them for giving me the space to breathe and freedom to enjoy. however, i have to pay a high price for this independence. they will advise you this this this and conclude everything by saying "ultimately, you have to think for yourself". omg! i felt the soil moved for a split second. it does not help at all when they say that to me. it just makes things worse. i hate to do things without having the support i want.

i just want to get out of school soon, when things are fully controlled by myself.

wednesday blues

most suffer from monday blues but to me, the hardest day to spend is wednesday. i hate wednesday. it is called the hump day in my language. it is neither at the beginning nor the end of the week. i dont feel excited because weekends seem so far away. i am not feeling tired because i should have enough rest from play by wednesday. argh!! i just dont like the feeling of not being here and there. i am stuck right in the middle. totally dreadful day!!!

mayday JUMP!!!

i was blown away by mayday again!!! i just went to their concert and i am totally more in love with them, especially monster. he is extremely charming when he played his electric guitar. i shall start revising my chords again. =)

emotions was running high when i turned back and looked. everyone at the max pavilion was on their feet. we were all swinging our lousy yet expensive lightsticks to the music, singing to our hearts' content. i guess that is the power of mayday. it proves something since they have been in the industry for a long time.

the thing about mayday is i love their songs. listen carefully to the lyrics and you will start to realise they mean something. somehow or rather, the words always fit nicely in the situation i am or was in. their songs never fails to give me hope and definitely the courage to dream.

i just want to get back to the place and relive the moment again.

i will be independent

it is yet another peaceful night. it feels great after taking a long and hot bath. why do i always start to feel when only distance separates me from them? i am not afraid, and definitely not lost. they had repeated the list of must-do-things to me since last week and i can read them out backwards now. i know exactly how and what i should do but the sudden sense of emptiness is overwhelming.

a gesture of putting his arm over my shoulder, telling me to take good care of myself warmed my heart instantly. i kinda regretted what i did last night but i am still angry over it. a gentle reminder to look after myself makes me want to protect them even more. why do i feel that i have failed to be the perfect daughter? i hate the current state of life i am in now, struggling with the limited ability i have.

i dont want to watch the television dramas alone. i dont want to argue with the person i see in the mirror. i need someone to bicker with me. i want to be nagged at. i want someone to pull me off my bed every morning. be safe! =)

never weak

i have always told myself never to be weak in front of others. no matter how tough things get, i will always be the last man standing. i will not cry. i will not shout for help. i will bear the burden. i will endure the pain. i maybe exhausted after the fight but i will be a stronger person. i will face all the crap now and i am also the one who will have the last laugh. i will not be the person i hate the most.

on your own

no matter how ugly the working world is, the desire to work and to live independently never leaves my body. it has been almost a month since i started work and i am starting to dislike the ugly side of humans. it convinces me that man is selfish and seriously, it is a man eats man world outside. back stabbing, pushing off responsibilities and definitely covering our asses. i have to the fittest in order to survive, just like being the sole survivor in the reality show. so how much talk about competitive school environment. it is nothing when compared to the outside world.

in school, i am just a pampered kid in the eyes of the working adults. who am i to talk about competitiveness? i have yet to face the real danger. errors become mistakes and i will be forgiven in school. at work, i will have to prepare to pack my bags and go. and if my boss is a little kinder, a pair of simple ear plugs will do the job.

i wonder how i am going to survive in the future. wake up your idea! the entire world does not evolve around you. the whole thing is not just about you, it is more about a team. start working together to make things work. i hate it when everything boils down to individualism. if it is part of your job scope, be proactive and take up the responsibility. stop trying to find excuses to push it off just by saying, "sorry, i am busy". how can you expect ourselves to cover your duties? where the hell is your sense of responsibilities and shamefulness?

it is all about faults!!! when can i look at the strengths of others? stop being a critical person. afterall, it is just a temporary job to spend time and to earn some money. take it easily and maybe i will start to love my job more.

dreams

when school ends, blogging is the last thing on my mind that i want to do. probably because i have many other better stuff to keep myself busy with for the past few weeks, like working, watching anime and not forgetting my drinking sessions. talking about drinking, i think i suck at drinking now. so to those out there who hate me, you can make me drunk and leave me by the roadside for revenge. i need to drink more often to up my tolerance or else stupid, fat and ugly dabai will start laughing at me again.

he was telling me there are 4 obstacles to realizing dreams. i think i belong to the baker now. i have achieved what i always want to and right now, my life has came to a stand still. so how am i supposed to proceed from here? it is like i have lost something in my life, not knowing where to go next. even when i set my mind in doing something, the drive is not as strong as before, the passion is not there. everything just seems so blur and i am clueless. i know one day, i will find my direction but right now, i just have to recharge myself before the next sprint.

i have given up hope on it. i know things are not going to work out so i dont think there is any point in holding onto it for my dear life. i have much better and more meaningful stuff to do rather than hoping and waiting. i am sick of the uncertainity. i am happy alone.

double doses of friendships!

passion

it is amazing to know the extend that passion can do to our lives. the burning flame within is always calling out to us to do we want to do. always to pursue our dreams! no matter how simple or stupid it may sound to others, we just have to standby our beliefs and just do it. why should we bother about what others think, feel or look at us? we dont live our lives for them but for ourselves. so we should just go all out for our passion. nothing is impossible but is it really that case?

sometimes, all we lack is luck. the talents, the right moment, the perfect combination but luck is just not there. we struggle with all our might to live our dreams but end up, we suffer and injure ourselves. is it a sign to stop? we will not want to stop because we are all set to get it or nothing. it is the time when someone who truly cares for us to step into the picture.

stop, and rest if we must! that is what we hear. pursuing our dreams blindly is not doing any good to anyone. so what if we get what we want in the end? a bright future and a comfortable life. are these really the only things that we are looking for in life? we may have neglected people who are dear to us in the process. kinship, friendship, love and concern are priceless. they are feelings that we cannot hold or own and are usually turn into regret when it is too late.

maybe sometimes it is wise for us to be contented with our lives. never to compare because we may appear pale under comparsion. why should we make ourselves miserable by doing ourselves a disfavour? so, it is time to stop thinking and go out there and hug everyone! hugging is the best form of emotional support. so, i am going to hug my pillow and head off to sleep.

when everything ends

when everything ends, how do you feel? lost because you dont know what you can do when you reach home since you have nothing to work towards now. happy because it is 3 months of holidays with no mugging. worried because you did not put in your best. emotionless because you are too tired to feel anything. all i know is that i dont want to stay at home for long hours anymore. i am sick of being at home, sitting by my desk because i had been doing that for the past one month. so out, out, out of my house!

it shall start with a small celebration with overwhelming of food. first night was steamboat and dessert which made me go crazy on my way home. luckily the bus driver was a skilful driver. if not, there was a high chance for me to puke on the bus. today was more food!!! it was my first time eating vietnamese food and i am loving it. it was just rice noodles but it was heavy enough for me to give up on my durian zhu change feng. =( i am going back to try it for the sake of DURIAN.

yes, it is food, food and more food. i thought of something big to do when i was busy mugging away. i have not told anyone about it yet. i am not sure if it will work because it does not only concern me. i seriously hope to have the green light to try it out and most importantly for it to work.

happy working tmr! =D

overloaded

seriously, suffering from information overload after a night on biology. it is killing me but luckily i have made some progress. oh my!!! my head is going to burst soon and i am not willing to hit my bed yet. it is the last paper on monday and things will be bright and cheerful for me once more. may is a happy month for me.

my heart jumped abit when i heard similar noises. i am not sure if they are coming from the same source as before or not. i am not scared or worried. i just did goi's favourite action, roll my eyes. if it really happens like before, i am not going to do anything. i even pictured myself shutting down my laptop, grab my bio notes and TB and marched downstairs or anywhere else to continue with my revision. cruel right? nah. it is an act of being sick and tired of things repeating themselves. i just want to have something new to breathe in my life.

sometimes, it is just not about others. i have to live for myself somedays too. so it is all about ME. if history ever repeats itself, i will bring her along with me and leave provided i have the ability. selfish, heartless, emotionless creature. whatever! they describe me perfectly well. hang on!!!